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Janto and me


I just read Sariagray's "Some Words of Me" post, and lawford's "Mining For Gold" and I think I finally understand the hold Janto has on me.  Their relationship and how Ianto feels about it, reflects my marriage and how I felt during it.  It could be and was really good some of the time, but mostly I was always unsure of everything.  I always felt that I was not enough, not good enough, not really what he wanted.  I knew he always had his eye on someone else, which someone varied throughout the years, but there was always someone.  I always felt like I was floundering, trying to fix it, trying to make it right, trying to figure out what was wrong with me so I could change it.  But deep down I knew I could never be right.  Never be The One. 

After COE I was devastated.  I see now that it felt like when my marriage ended.  Like part of me had just been removed, and I was left no longer whole.  Because I had a bit of a breakdown then, and was put on meds because of it, I think I never really came to terms with my feelings.  When Ianto died, they all came rushing back and I was thrown into mourning.  I just didn't realize what it was I was mourning.  It's been nearly two years since COE, and I am just figuring it out.  A lot of you have said that you 'are' Ianto, that you relate to Ianto.  Me, too.  I see myself in his uncertainty, in his need to be loved but never being sure that he was.  And then it ended.  And his feelings were never resolved.  Suddenly, everything was just gone.  All the hope, all the possibilities for what could have been, all the finally coming to terms with himself and his relationship with Jack.  Just gone.  Just like me and my marriage.  Never got it sorted.  Never came to terms with me and my relationship with my husband.  It just stopped. 

Does this help me now?  I don't know.  I know I have been so sad since COE, so immersed in the Torchwood world and the fanfiction about it.  It has become a huge part of my life, and I don't want to let go.  I want to stay in that fanfiction world where Ianto is alive, and the hope and possibilities still exist for him, even if they are truly gone for me. 

It was my ex's birthday Monday, and he has died since he left me sixteen years ago next month, and I still miss him every day.  I just never got to the resolution of my feelings part, and so haven't really ever let it go.  Maybe now I'll be able to, but maybe I just want to live in the Janto world forever.


May. 7th, 2011 06:55 pm (UTC)
1. I think the fact that you felt you had to send an email , maybe not apologizing exactly...but, trying to mitigate the impact you thought this might have, speaks volumes on it's own.

2. I know I can't possibly know exactly how you feel or felt, but I can certainly relate and empathize. I was overwhelmed with sadness while reading this and I hope you know that I love you and also know that I wish I had been able to be there for you while it was happening, but at the time I had absolutely no understanding of the situation and no experience with anything even remotely similar.
Now, I have, unfortunately and for different reasons, felt those same feelings of uncertainty and inadequacy along with great joy; have not, and probably will never have, had any resolution in regards to my feelings about the situation and have been unable to let it go. Granted on a scale no where near what you've been through, but enough, I think, to have some understanding of how you might be feeling.
I hope that you are able to find some sort of peace, and it sounds like maybe being immersed in this fanfiction world isn't all bad :)

I love you.